Stop Uwe Boll By Reading This

I hesitate to weigh in on the inimitable Uwe Boll because his quirks, foibles, and outright gaffes are so paint-blisteringly palpable, but this site's kind of fun, so what the hey. Here's a guy with a doctorate in literature from a German science institute who's made some of the worst films known to humankind, which I guess just goes to show how much an academic degree counts for anything these days.

Just a few of the mockeries made in Boll's illustrious career...

Alone in the Dark - 2005 flick based on the Infogrames survival horror PC game that started it all and somewhat improbably starring the otherwise talented Christian Slater, this movie was named worst film of 2005 by the Stinkers Bad Movie Awards. Oh, and apparently Boll had a decent script in the bag, but blew $10 million on special effects, chopping background and requiring Boll to slap a text scroll at the beginning just to help viewers figure out what's going on. (Kind of, you know, like those Star Wars prequels...)

BloodRayne - Boll's other 2005 action flick about a half-human Romanian vampire with all the usual "For vengeance!" tropes but none of the editing or acting chops to carry them off. Poor Kristanna Loken. Because she was so good in Terminator 3. You know, where she just had to look kind of prickly (well, a Cosmo cover model glacial-beige-blonde kind of prickly, anyway) for 109 minutes until the ineluctable Stan Winston-begat denouement. I only fiddled with the original Bloodrayne game, but everyone else told me it was only a half cut above average. A sliver up from "unforgivable," Boll's filmic translation is currently sitting at 2.6 out of 10 stars courtesy 14,536 discerning IMDb voters. Incidentally, the prostitutes in the scene with Meat Loaf (yes, that Meat Loaf) are the real deal. Boll apparently boasted that it was cheaper to hire real prostitutes than employ actresses.

You want the rest? Here you go...

In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale (2007) - IMDb 3.8/10 (10,120 votes)

Postal (2007) - IMDb 3.9/10 (3,999 votes)

BloodRayne II: Deliverance (2007) - IMDb 2.5/10 (3,253 votes)

And coming soon...

Far Cry (2008)

BloodRayne 3 (2009)

Zombie Massacre (2010)

Considering there's never really been a video game made into a movie that's worth a hoot, and considering that Uwe Boll has done more in the past few years to encourage the public perception that video games are aesthetic junk, I think I'm going to have to raise both thumbs to Stop Uwe Boll (warning: shot of Uwe Boll flipping you the bird) as well as their petition advising Boll to cease and desist making feature films.

Re-Play

Fearless or feckless? Have your say below or pelt me with emails here.

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